Geisha is not a courtesan, nor an artist. Probably many Japanese people will beat me to death for the second half of the statement, but I am adamant to that, for I believe Geisha is merely an entertainer. You certainly won’t call an entertainer an artist, just as you won’t call Zhang Ziyi the charming bitch an artist.

The movie, Memoirs of a Geisha, was adapted from the novel. Although the movie is a little bit unsatisfactory, the book itself is a good reading. Remind you, this memoir is a fiction, made up of “a million little pieces”—yeah, I know the “million pieces” book By Mr. Frey is faked. Interestingly, the main character in the Geisha book looks real and is indeed based on a real Geisha who bears the same name as “Sayuri.” A side note, there is a lawsuit filed by Sayuri against the author Arthur Golden.

Ok, so much for the anecdotes. Let’s first talk about the novel, and later on we will have some fun again with the movie.

The story of Geisha Sayuri unfolds in a remote fishing village in 1920s. A little girl named Chiyo is living peacefully if not happily with her silly sister, her old father and diseased mother. As in the case of most poor families, Chiyo and her sister Satsu are sold by their parents, Chiyo to an Okiya in Kyoto to become a Geisha, and Satsu to a brothel to be a young prostitute. Satsu late escapes from the brothel and remains unknown since then.

For Chiyo, life in the Okiya is never easy. In the very first day, she learns that Hatsumomo, the only geisha in the Okiya, is formidable. Simultaneously, Hatsumomo realizes that Chiyo will become a successful geisha one day, thus imminently threatening her dominance in this Okiya. In fact, anybody who sees Chiyo will believe she is a famous-geisha-in-training, for she has a charming smile and a pair of mysterious grey eyes. That is, she is a woman of water. I know that “water” here is derived from the five essences of the material world in traditional Chinese philosophy. But I prefer interpreting “water” as both “easily being changed like water, emotional”, and as “hidden sexy” just like what you feel when you take a warm bath—a mild sensual touch with the smooth water.

In the beginning, Chiyo doesn’t know that Hatsumomo has determined to end her dream by all means. All that she knows is that she is hated by Hatsumomo. After she catches Hatsumomo having sex with a man, Hatsumomo falsely accuses her of stealing an expensive comb. She also sets up a trap for Chiyo so that Chiyo has to pay all the damage of an expensive kimono. During an attempt to flee from the Okiya, Chiyo breaks her arm and abruptly ends her Geisha training.

Chiyo is now a full time slave, and may remain so had she not meet the Chairman, the owner of Iwamura Electronic. Probably attracted by her grey eyes and watery characteristics, the Chairman gives her a quarter to buy some ice cream and a handkerchief for memory. His encouragement also rekindles Chiyo’s hope. A few weeks later, the greatest geisha Mameha visits Chiyo’s Okiya and tells the mother that she is willing to adopt Chiyo as her young sister. Finally, Mameha and the mother reach a deal and Chiyo is back to the geisha school.

Chiyo is working very hard, and Mameha is a very good sister. Within two years, Chiyo is ready to show off.

Now Chiyo is renamed as Sayuri. Sayuri is an apprentice of Mameha. For a burgeoning geisha like her, the first thing is to know as many people as she could, and to find an “eel” for her unexplored “cave.” Selling virginity is an important step to become a full blown geisha. Mameha puts up a bidding fight between Nobu, an ugly and rude businessman, CEO of Iwamura Electronic, and Dr. Crab, a sex wolf who has collected tens of geishas’ virgin blood including Mameha’s. Later on, the fight is joined by the baron, Mameha’s danna, another woman seeker who almost rapes Sayuri during her visit to his family estate. Nevertheless, Sayuri’s virginity is sold record high to Dr. Crab. The whole thing may seem disgusting, but for a high class female entertainer, virginity is a precious thing to sell. Men like the taste of virgin blood seeping from the rupturing hymen. Not surprisingly, it is a big business now in China to fake the virginity by mending the hymen. Nothing can deter the creativity of business people.

For a geisha, as suggested in the book, three things are important: training, selling virginity, and finding a danna, a long term patron. We’ve talked about the first two, and the last one is surely the most important one.

A successful geisha should either have a danna, or become a heir of her Okiya. But finding a danna is again to sell herself, not like a prostitute where she just lies down and bears it, but as an unofficial concubine where she has to entertain and satisfy the master sexually, emotionally, and intellectually.

Sayuri has a good candidate—Nobu. Nobu has spent lots of time with her, or, in his own words, has “changed his lifestyle” to accommodate her. But because of his disfigured face, Sayuri cannot find any desire to accomondate her cave for his eel. Furthermore, because Japan is in the war now, she has to find a danna who can protect her and her Okiya in this hard time. So she sells herself to a crabby dull general. Understandably, the sex with the general is more of an obligation rather than a joy. She derails and passionately has a one night stand with a poor young man, which is forgivable.

It turns out that the general is far from dullness. He is a loser. He cannot protect Sayuri when the Geisha business is disbanded. Fortunately, the Chairman appeares and saves her. She starts to work as a textile worker.

After the war, Nobu finds Sayuri and persuades her to return to the Geisha business. He proposes to her using a rock, a relic of his ruined company, by promising the dannaship he will offer if his company recovers. The game is simple. Sayuri will entertain the depute finance minister so that Nobu’s company can be reclassified as a non-war company. She succeeds, and time has come that Sayuri should have an intimate dannaship with Nobu.

In a retreat in a resort island, Sayuri has thought a lot. The only person she cares about and secretly loves is the chairman who has encouraged her from time to time, and is always kind to her. She decides to follow her feelings. She gives herself to the tasteless minister and asks her old friend Pumpkin to lead Nobu to discover their affair. Unexpectedly, Pumpkin comes with the Chairman. The wild copulating scene freezes into a complete disappointment.

Theatrically, a few weeks later, Sayuri is called upon by a teahouse to meet an important man. Who is he? Sayuri wonders along the way to the teahouse. It is the Chairman! He explains that it is he who has arranged Mameha as her big sister. It is Nobu’s fervent love to her that deters him from expressing his own profound love to her. Only after seeing the incident in that island does he realize that she doesn’t love Nobu and he should do something to show he is still in love with her. So he comes, and loves her forever and never.

I didn’t forget to mention the fate of Hatsumomo. Sure, she is very jealous about Sayuri’s success. She has taken all conceivable ways to defame Sayuri. But all her ill attempts end up her being expelled from the Okiya. It is said she has been working as a prostitute ever since.

The novel is very well written and balanced up to the war. All the misfortune Sayuri has suffered, and the bidding and danger of being raped during the bidding are captivating and breathtaking. However, the process of finding a danna sounds surreal. But I don’t know much about Japanese men. So the story might have some elements of truth.

Now back to the movie which is more interesting than recounting the story. The movie follows the novel pretty closely. Three major female characters are all Chinese (native or not). Gong Li casts Hatsumomo, Zhang Ziyi as Sayuri, and Micheal Yeoh as Mameha. Most debates are about these women.

I never like Gong Li. First, she is ugly. I cannot think of anybody I know will like her flat face, protruding cheekbones, and ever hatred eyes (her breasts are uncharacteristically big, so is said). Well, some people may be able to see through her ugly body to find hidden sexy, and so, sexually arousing. But it is not me.

Second, in her handful movies I saw, she always looks like a sexually unsatisfying woman deemed to destroy the family, the village, and the whole society. Her face always looks plain and motionless. The smile in her face is worse than her cry.

Third, well, Gong Li is just not the type of woman I like.

Zhang Ziyi is also discovered by the stupidest, shameless, and most tasteless director Zhang Yimou. She is supposed to replace Gong Li after Gong left Zhang, both from his movie crew and from his bed. The Geisha movie is the first Zhang’s movie I saw. I didn’t like her instantly even though she has a smaller face than Gong Li does.

In the movie, Zhang’s face is also mostly motionless, and her smile looks unnatural. Probably she pretends to be an innocent little bitch, but she gives me an impression that she was nervous during shotting. For one thing, her English is terrible.

Speak of English, the little girl who casts Chiyo speaks English the best. The other Japanese actors speak English pretty well too. Among three actresses, Michael Yeoh’s English is the best. Gong Li’s English is also clear and comprehensible. But for Zhang Ziyi, Oh my gosh, I can barely understand half of what she says in the movie. In the movie, Zhang is like reciting a textbook, monotonically and blurrily. She speaks like having something in her mouth, “I woroould likerr troo havver sexer writhr yrour.” Apparently, the style of overstressing “r” suggests that she has learned American English in China.

Anyway, teasing her English is unkind, particularly since my English has a quite interesting Chinese accent too. I also beg your forgiveness for any insulting words I’ve said and will say about your beloved bitches.

By the way, I didn’t see Zhang’s naked body clearly except that she looks slim but fleshy. Her butt has a pretty nice curve considering she is not fat. I guess she may be a good bed companion.

Back to the movie. I have to say, overall it is pretty good. The story has been adapted carefully, the settings seem real, and the photographing is agreeable. They has revamped the danna part of the story by playing down the irrelevant general, minister, and even Nobu. But if you haven’t read the novel, some scenes may seem disconnected.

The Gion district in Kyoto where Geisha lives looks crowd and shabby. I think maybe streets and buildings were better decorated in old days. Now the district looks like a red district. But the photographing compensates it a little bit.

The things that trouble me a lot are the cloth and costume used in the movie. The kimonos seem quite cheap and colorless. I am even skeptical about the texture of these kimonos. They don’t look like silk to me. In addition, the way the geisha wearing kimonos is too casual. In my vision, the cloth should come with tons of elaborations. Even worse, the young geishas in the movie don’t wear white powder on their faces. The geisha’s sophisticated costume has been degraded to the common Hollywood facial decoration in which bright flesh and sexy lips are all that matter.

The last thing I want to say about the movie is about politics. I know many people are very angry about Chinese actresses being laid under Japanese actors. I think this is ridiculous. They are entertainers; there is nothing about patriotism or whatever. It is a business, a business about bitches and butchers entertaining the mindless dumb. Period.

This reminds me a joke (but real). In 1930s when Japan occupied Shanghai, some Chinese people paid a large amount of money in order to intercourse with Japanese military prostitutes. They dubbed it as “fighting against Japan in bed.” It is the same ridiculous thing to expect some shameless entertainers to be patriots (yes, there are quite a few admirable entertainers who do love the country, but Gong Li and Zhang Ziyi probably don’t belong to them).

The final suggestion? I would recommend the book but not the movie.